February in Minnesota: White.
NBA in Minnesota: Not Black.
Not Black People
These people are not black.
Lennay Kekua.
Not dead. Not in a car accident. Not alive. Not hiding from drug dealers. Not afflicted with leukemia. Not unable to use Skype. Not in a coma from which only Manti Te’o’s voice can reach her. Not at Stanford. Not ugly. Not hot.
Not real.
Not black.
Gandalf: Grey.
Entire Cast of The Hobbit: Not Black.
Argo Hostages.
Not real Canadians. Not a real film crew.
Really not black.
Putting Your Golden Retriever in Your Christmas Card
Not original. Not actually part of the family. And, most of all, not black.
Skydiving into Burning Man
Does taking mushrooms and jumping from a plane into a nudist desert community mean you’re suicidal?
Somehow…no. But it does mean that you’re Not Black.
Every Single Outstretched Hand at a Macklemore Concert
Apparently Not Black People like dated NBA jerseys almost as much as Malcolm Gladwell references made by rappers from Seattle.
Looking Out Over the Thing You Just Climbed Up
The only thing less black than climbing up a mountain, it seems, is taking a picture of yourself looking at other ones.
The Hand That Holds the iPhone. Never black.
Aspen Gay Ski Week. Not straight. Not black.
(Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
The Lady Whole Foods Decided to Draw to Keep Their Customers From Losing It Because the Salad Bar Isn’t Running at Full Capacity.
Clientele: Understood.
Williamsburg Flea Market. Great deals on microbrews, food falling out of baskets that have been tipped on their sides, and old clothes formerly worn by other not black people.
Duke Lacrosse. Not guilty. Not black.
Tucker Carlson. Jon Stewart called him a dick. We’ll just say he’s not black.
Polar Plunge. The only thing not black people love more than swimming is cold weather. And here we are.
